Nope

I'm not cut out for college at BYU-Idaho.

My whole life, I have received great grades. I have done all the homework asked of me, and teachers have loved me for that. BYU-I is different. They aren't here to teach you how to memorize facts and repeat them back like in high school. The teachers here actually put stuff into your brain. They actually want you to learn, to become an intellect, to grow in that way instead of wanting you to just be able to spit out memorized facts. My whole life has been focused on memorization.

I don't know how to learn. I haven't been taught how to learn. I've been taught how to remember things for a test and then to forget them and move on.

I'm not cut out for BYU-Idaho.

Rexburg

I've been in college for only a week and a half, and yet it already feels like an eternity. It's a weird feeling being here at the place I have thought of for so long: The place I thought would be terrifying, the place I thought would be too much to handle, the place I didn't want to go to at the very end. Now that I'm here, this place, this blessed spot of Rexburg, Idaho is so amazing. It is so far from scary that it scares me at times. ;)

Walking around campus, I feel at peace. I feel at home. I've started calling my dorm home, which I told myself I would never do. But this campus, this college, BYU-Idaho feels so....right. I am meant to be here at this time. I know this for a fact. I have felt it through my classes. I have felt it through the people I have come to know. I have felt it when I think about how I've been here for eternity having this great time, and then I remember I've only been here for a week and a half. It feels that right. I have felt it through all of the Mormon aspects this school offers. Prayers at the beginning of math class are amazing to me. Science mixed with religion feels so fantastic. This place...I'm meant to be here.

And at the same time...I'm having the hardest time of my life. I'm already an independant person. I've been that way practically my whole life. I like doing things for myself. It feels good. I like depending on myself. But this is different. This kind of independence is complete. I'm responsible for every move I make, and that is starting to break me down. And it's so hard.

But I know for a fact that I am meant to be here. I can't prove it physically, but as my science teacher said, not all things can be, and that's okay. I feel it with every fiber of my being. So I know everything will be okay no matter how my college experience plays out.

College.....Man I'm old!

To Save a Life

Lately, I've been thinking about life. I've been thinking about how important every one person is to the way the world works. Everyone has a purpose on this earth. Everyone was guided to where they are for a reason. I know this. However, I've often found myself having trouble applying this knowledge to myself. It's easy to think that someone else is so important to the world and to the people around them. It's harder to accept the fact that you are of importance too.

A lot of my life has been spent wondering if I make a difference to anyone. I think everyone wonders this at some point. I've wondered if my life means anything. Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I leaving a mark on people's lives? Will I die when I'm old having done my part, having fulfilled my purpose?

I just finished watching the movie To Save a Life for the second time in two days. It has had a powerful affect on my thoughts. Every person in that movie was important, even Roger who committed suicide in the beginning because he felt no one cared about him and he wasn't making a mark on the world. Even he meant something to SO many people. He saved lives! Someone who spent years thinking he had no purpose....he did. But he never knew that, because no one cared until after he was gone.

I've always known that everyone means so much to God. But what if they don't know that? What if they spend their life not understanding that they are significant to God's eternal plan? How sad! It tears me apart to think that someone may not know how important they are, how crucial their life is. But then I wonder.....Do I know that about myself? I know God loves me. I know that for a fact. But do I leave a mark on anyone...That I don't know.

But that....That is what I plan on finding out....And through that process, I hope to make a difference in the lives of those new people around me who I will meet in exactly two weeks...

The trailer for To Save a Life HERE.

I'm Less Than Those Kids Deserve

I was called to teach the 10 and 11 year old girls in Primary at the beginning of the Summer, and every time I have taught since then, I have come to realize just how difficult it is.

In all honesty: My knowledge of the Bible is very limited. I know basically nothing that I should, and I'm ashamed of that. Give me anything from the Book of Mormon, and I can tell it to you straight. I know that book. Give me that book to teach and I could actually make something out of the lessons. These lessons that I am supposed to teach, however, are so new to me that every time I open the lesson manual and I flip to the pages in the Bible, I get so confused in all of the old english and all of the history these stories involve that I forget the whole purpose of why I'm teaching these kids. I forget the whole purpose of the lesson, because I get so caught up in knowing the story line as if I'm going to be quizzed on every little detail later. I forget to teach the purpose of the lesson and turn Sunday School into the worst story time of those kid's lives as I stumble over my words and fumble with the pages and try my very best to get things right so I don't send them home to their parents where they will relay false information that their 18 year old teacher taught them. :ALSKDFJAS:DGHSDF

To make matters worse, I have the biggest Bible wizz of all time sitting two feet from me during every class. I team teach with another woman in the ward, and she knows everything. EVERYTHING. So I'm sitting here, knowing absolutely nothing, hoping that I'm not going to say something wrong with this genius sitting by me that I just forget even more to actually teach the point of the story.

I'm less than those kids deserve.

Remind me again why I want to be an elementary school teacher. Please. Because I've forgotten.

I'll just go have another pity party now while I sit and try to figure out what this King Solomon is all about...........

I'm Warning You, We're Growing Up - Turpentine, Brandi Carlile

It seems every day lately, I come to the realization time and time again that I'm growing up. I am done with high school forever. College is less than a month away. I'm doing things with my life that scare me so much but exhilarate me at the same time.

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to travel to my hometown, to the place where I grew up. I visited all the old sights, soaking in all the memories that seemed to bombard me more than ever before. Ever since my grandpa's death two and a half years ago, I have had it in my head that Colorado Springs is an awful place where bad things happen. My solo trip there in December wasn't the best trip of my life. I loved being around my family, but I spent most of my time in my aunt's home avoiding outside. I never wanted to go there again, to be honest. But I went to witness my sweet cousin Mara Jade be baptized into the Mormon church. And while there, I took advantage of the time I had in an area I had previously shunned from my thoughts to try to make peace with myself and with the place that built me.

I visited my grandpa's old home with my friend Heidi. We walked the path from her home to the elementary school where I spent many years playing imaginary games. We walked the same path to my grandpa's home that we walked every day throughout the school year, and even in the summer. We saw the home, and I realized it was completely different. The new owner fixed it up so nicely...It wasn't the same house. That bothered me so much in December that I couldn't even look at it. But for some reason, this time I made peace with it. Maybe it's because everything is changing lately. One more thing isn't a huge deal. But maybe it's also because I'm selfish. And now I know that no one else will be able to have the memories my sisters and I had in Colorado growing up. No one else will be able to play dare devil to see who could walk around the cactus without falling in, because the new owner took it out. No one else will be able to climb behind the bushes at the front of the house while playing hide and seek, because the new owner took out those bushes. No one else will be able to run through the backyard picking apples from the trees with neighborhood friends, because the new owner took out the trees. Those memories are mine to keep forever. That house, the home it was, is mine to keep.

For the past nine months, I have been making huge changes in my life. I have rid myself of everything that was ruining my spirit, and I have tried so hard to surround myself with people and activities that show myself who I can be and who I want to be. One example: I just recently completed the most emotionally challenging experience of my life, not the most physically challenging experience oddly enough. I finished a fifty one mile bike ride. New challenges keep coming my way, some that I thought I was done with. They came creeping back, people came creeping back that left before. But this trip to Colorado, this trip to my hometown changed my thoughts. Colorado isn't a scary place anymore. I can go back with no fear and only admiration for the place that gave me the boards and nails to start building me into who I am today.

It keeps hitting me. We aren't kids anymore, the class of 2010. I'm Warning You, We're Growing Up.

Information Overload

Massachusetts was absolutely beautiful. It was just the vacation from life that I needed. I was able to see my future roommate/my best friend, I was able to go to the beach for the first time since I was about 6. I was able to traverse through the bug invested forests without facing death (although it felt like death considering we got lost, we were being eaten alive by every bug known to man, and we had to sneak through someone's yard to finally get out of there). I was able to go to Six Flags New England where Brynn and I melted (literally) along with everyone else there (humidity is a lovely thing), and I survived my very first minor concussion. I was able to go to church in Amherst and experience a small ward again like those good ol' Colorado days. I was able to survive Brynn's limited driving experience on freeways and highways and roundabouts. I was able to relax and forget about the fear of college and about everything that is ending and everything that is beginning. It was lovely. :)

Upon getting back to the desert (I will forever miss the lack of dirt that Massachusetts offered), I went back to work, I bought all of my college kitchen stuff (I swear it feels like I'm playing house), and I changed my last day of work. It is now August 27th. Now I can actually have a week without work to pack up my belongings for college instead of one Saturday.

Basically, this is just an information overload blog post. But there you have it.

ABC

ABC's of Me:

A. Allergies are the bane of my existence. If allergies were a person, I would beat him to a pulp.
B. I become restless if I stay in one place too long. I can only handle one lazy day at a time. Any more than that, and I start to go crazy.
C. I enjoy reading, I really do. I need to do it more often. I could live in a library. My favorite authors are Sarah Dessen and Laurie Halse Anderson. I mix them up often.
D. I can not focus on writing anymore with Summer in full swing. It's just too beautiful outside.
E. I enjoy melting outside no matter how much I complain about it. I wish I could melt all day every day.
F. Dusk is my favorite time of day.
G. I make weird screaching noises when something excites me. I try really hard not to, but it just happens.
H. I have an adventurous heart and would do so many amazing, kind of reckless things if I weren't so chicken. Instead, I settle for biking, running, etc. (Anything outdoors).
I. I want to be the kind of teacher that kids look back on and say, "Wow, they really inspired me." Like Mrs. Riley.
J. I love my Opa and Oma. I envy their marriage.
K. I love swinging. I love leaning my head back and looking at the sky while swinging.
L. I can't die until I see Coldplay live in concert.
M. I also can't die until I have been on the London Eye. And gone sky diving. And scuba diving. And tried to surf. And ski. And go cliff diving. Basically, I can't die until I do everything reckless.
N. I despise driving. It's a waste of my life, and it makes it so I can't look at summer.
O. Pay cuts are the dumbest things in existence.
P. Kendals (or however it is spelled) make me mad. So does giving laptops to fourth graders and up. I am passionate about education. Kendals and electronic learning are stunting the minds of children today.
Q. My piano is my life. Just touching its keys calms me down.
R. I say cran. Not crayon. Crayon takes too long. It's another waste of my life.
S. I don't fear flying. I actually love flying. It's airports that scare me. They are so busy all the time, and they are too large. I am sign stupid. I don't understand directional signs.
T. I love my family.
U. God is amazing. I can't believe how amazing God is.
V. I wear flats, not sneakers or anything of the sort. My feet, odd as it is, get claustrophobic. I only wear sneakers when I run, etc. And I only wear boots in the snow.
W. I fear everyday situations. For example, going to the store scares me.
X. I am very, VERY picky about what music goes on my IPOD or my blog playlist. If the song has no meaning to me personally, or if the words are just stupid and the song is only good for the beat (a.k.a. every single song that is coming out these days), then I will not let it near my IPOD.
Y. Simpleness is the best thing. I don't want a big home in the future. I don't want expensive things. The simpler, the better. I just want my family with me to enjoy good times together.
Z. I treasure speaking out loud with someone in person or over the phone. Actual communication. I will forever hate texting, facebook, and anything of the sort. However, I will forever use them.