Past = Future

There is a quote that one of my friends once gave me from something called Fruits Basket. I can't remember it word for word, but it talks about someone who once wished for the past to disappear. She wished that her past wouldn't define her, and that she could move on and just forget about it. But she came to realize that her past effected her present and her future in ways she could see and even ways she couldn't see.

I have always been taught that your past shouldn't define who your present self is. You should be who you choose to be, not who your past experiences tell you to be. However, I have come to a realization. Your past defines who you are no matter how hard you work for it not to. You work to become someone who isn't "that girl" with "that past" and with "those secrets" so you can be seen as amazing and strong, but those things, the things that got you to your present self, are you. They are the reason you are who you are at this time, and you can never get rid of them. As much as you work to forget, dream to forget, fight to forget, you will never forget, and you shouldn't try to.

My past isn't one I'm proud of. I have been all over the spectrum, from that depressed girl who sits quietly in the corner, to that loud obnoxious girl who never seems to shut up, to that reflective girl who can't exist outside of her head, to that girl who goes around dying her hair a billion different colors and chopping it off until it's almost non existent just to feel...something, to that girl who is so strong in the gospel that she thinks she will never falter, and right down to that girl who falters dangerously, even stepping over a line she once set for herself only to try her hardest to get back over to the right side.

People have abandoned me multiple times, leaving as if I never meant anything to them. People have treated me like a piece of scum multiple times until I believed their every word and even fed off of their lies. I have been that person who I never ever wanted to be, but I am not that person anymore.

I have fought with everything I have in me to redeem myself and to fix past mistakes. I have worked hard to forget those people who have wronged me, to forget about a past that I hate with every fiber of my being. But through that fight, through all that work, I have realized.....I can't forget it. To forget it would be a dishonor to myself.

Those who teach that your past doesn't define you....I now disagree. My past defines me. It makes me who I am today. Because without my past, I wouldn't be that girl who tries her hardest to be the best person she can be. I wouldn't be that person who tries to care about everyone around her and works to care about herself again.

My only problem with changing through the course of high school....Those same people who saw who I was then see who I am now. And it's hard for them to understand just how different I am. I wouldn't understand it. How could someone become someone so completely different in two years?

I can only say this....I'm working hard. I credit my time in high school for my change. It can actually be a good place!!!! Believe it!!