Friday, June 26, 2009

Song of the Day: Beautiful Disaster, Jon McLaughlin

So I guess this is turning into an every other day thing. Sorry! I will try to slow it down.

I have been thinking a lot lately about who I am and how my life is going to play out now that Senior Year is only 2 months away. What will I do without all my friends after it's all over? Will I be able to be confident enough to make new friends? Or will I go back to my shy self that I was and still sort of am when I moved to Utah and not talk to anyone, thus ending up alone throughout college? Or, the worst possibility, will I change myself to make others happy? I have realized I have already kind of started to do this.

I was listening to this song, Beautiful Disaster, today. I have heard it before, but it's been a while. It scares me, because in a sense, the song describes me.

"Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfections.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen, but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster."

Honestly, if it would make people stay longer, if it would make me happier, if it would make everything okay, I would change who I am in an instant. I would change everything about myself to make others happy. This isn't a good thing. I need to be confident in who I am and who I can become, and I need to realize that if someone doesn't want to be my friend, which some people have not wanted to be my friends recently, I need to realize that I am doing okay with my life. I am a good person, or at least I'm trying to be. And I need to know that I will find people after high school who will love me for who I am. I'm just scared to leave the friends I do have now.

I guess this is a stupid post when I think about it. But okay.


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