I wrote this in my Creative Writing class. It's just a weird form of poetry about me.

Deborah-
Empathetic, Loving, Patient, and Careful,
Sister of Adrianne, Krystal, and Danielle,
Lover of the smell of rain, the mystery of music, and the carefree feeling of Summer,
Who feels refuge when snuggled in bed, pain at the thought of lost opportunities, and joy when
her fingers delicately graze a piano,
Who needs the undying support of friends, the timeless acceptance of family, and
constant opportunities for craziness,
Who gives love, attention, and compassion,
Who fears the sharp sting of a bee, the blinding hatred of friends now lost, and the
inevitable end of a piece of sheet music,
Who would like to see less judgment by peers, more love within families, and more smiles upon
everyone's faces,
Who lives in a small blue condo on 4000 South,
-Moody

Life is Beautiful - Vega4

There are those times in your life where everything just seems to go wrong. One thing happens, and then another, and then another......and it goes on and on and on. Now is one of those times.
My grandpa has been on the front of my mind lately. He died about a year and a half ago, and I still can't seem to move past it. I miss him every second of every day, so much so that I found myself asking God to let me see him at least in a dream. I got what I asked for, and now I don't know if I should have. My grandpa hugged me so tightly in my dream and just held onto me as I cried into his shoulder....and then I woke up....and he was gone....and it hurts.
And then, my older sister, Adrianne, called my father Trey. She heard his voice for the first time in seven years, and all he had to say was, "What's up?" She gave me his number, and it now sits saved in my phone, torturing me. Do I call him? Do I delete the number? What do I do?
So here I am torturing myself over my grandpa and Trey. And then I get home after work yesterday only to find that my mom received a letter from Trey's second ex wife, Kathy. My half sister, Kassandra, is in the middle of a custody battle between Trey and Kathy, and Kathy's lawyer needs letters from both Adrianne and me on our relationship with Trey. My first though....What relationship?! My second though, regrettably....I could figuratively kill Trey with what I have to say. But my thoughts now...What in the heck do I even write?! I have no relationship with my father. He has emailed me a handful of times in the past seven years, all having to do with him and how wonderfully happy he is, none of them answering any of the questions I send him. So what do I write? Do I write that? What would that do to help Kassy, though? What would me talking about my relationship with Trey do to keep Kassy from having to live with him? It's all so confusing. And the best part of it all is that if I'm needed in court, I would go. There isn't a strong likelihood that I would be needed, but it is a possiblity, if only a small one. And that scares me. The first time seeing my father after seven years....in court. It just seems too crazy.

Anyway...even through it all, even through all the swarming thoughts, I take comfort in knowing that I have my family behind me in whatever I do, and it is all going to work out in the end. No matter what, they will always be with me, helping me to accomplish all the things I wish.

Ramstein - Marcelo Zarvos (Taking Chance soundtrack)

To all those lovely people who went to Quest...Thank you! You all made it one of the best experiences of my life, and I will never forget it!
Ramstein........This is one of my favorite songs of ALL time. If I'm sad, I will listen to it to make me feel better. If I'm happy, I will listen to it to keep me happy and to make me think. Overall, this song is meant for any mood in my eyes. It is the song I look to when I think about composing my own song on my piano, which is definitely a big dream of mine.
I tried to start writing a song today, but it wasn't working out. I was far too distracted, and my mind was racing with too many stupid thoughts. I couldn't focus...I actually haven't been able to focus for a few days now. It's odd, really. I'm so confused as to the things I'm feeling and what's going through my head. I don't even necessarily know what brought on these thoughts and feelings...I have an idea, but it's not definite. I'm just so confused lately, and I don't how to get "unconfused," if that's a word.
That's where Ramstein comes in. It is such a good thinking song. If you listen to it in succession with two other songs, it creates the best thinking music you will ever find.
1. Prologue - Marcelo Zarvos
2. Ramstein - Marcelo Zarvos
3. Taking Chance - Marcelo Zarvos
You have to listen to them in that order, and I swear, my mind clears up and thoughts come that weren't there before, and things begin to fix. For a few minutes, I can lay there on my bed just thinking in a calm way, no fears really going through my head. It's an amazing feeling...
I hope everyone had a fantastic Pioneer Day and enjoyed some fireworks! Gettin' ready for school to start now................................

Tell Me Why -Taylor Swift

News of the Day: My day of doom is set. On Monday, July 20th at 9:30 in the morning, I will be going to the Oral Surgeon where I will be poked and prodded with needles for an IV, put to sleep, four wisdom teeth will be viciously yanked out of my poor, poor mouth, I will be woken up, only to be sent home to endure the lovely pain and the loopiness that will surely come with the pain meds I will be given. Lame!
In other news, Quest is next week! I am so excited for this experience. I must admit I was very disappointed when I found out there would no longer be Trek. Okay, so that's an understatement. I was the driving force in my ward young woman's group trying to convince everyone to get a petition going. Yeah, but then I was called into the Stake Youth Committee, and I must say that my perspective has changed greatly. The feeling I get when talking about Quest amazes me. From the very first meeting to this upcoming last meeting, I have felt so strongly that every youth in this Orchard Stake needs to attend. I don't know why; I only know that it is a must, and that it will help everyone who attends grow in some way, including myself. I'm so excited!
Song Explanation: The song of the day is indeed Tell Me Why by Taylor Swift. I have just been thinking a lot about my past lately, and this song kind of helps me. The last lines are really what helps me the most. It gives me courage to do what needs to be done so I can be happy. :)

So there you have it!

Awakening

There comes a point in, I'm sure, everyone's life where the days start going by super fast and you finally wake up one morning to find that a whole month or more has past you by without your noticing. Today was my day of awakening, or at least the beginning of my awakening.
I woke up this morning with nothing special planned. I had work, as per usual, and that was it. I would spend the rest of my day at home being lazy after work. And that's exactly what happened. No one popped in to say a surprise hello. Nothing special at all happened today, and yet I find that it has been one of the most exciting days that I have had in a long while.
My mom drove me to work today giving me an opportunity to take in the scenery around me. I make that fifteen minute drive every day, and it has become so monotonous that it is extremely boring. But today, I was able to look around me and see all the beautiful things there are to see. I'm not talking about actual Salt Lake, because, I'm sorry, but Salt Lake will never be beautiful to me. I'm talking about the grass and trees by the capital building, the large rocks by Victory Road, just so many things that I drive past every single day and never really notice.
And then when I got home, I was able to go and do some serious writing like I haven't been able to do for so long. I have been so dazed this past I don't know how long that I have not been able to concentrate long enough to get any writing done. I am seriously excited about what I was able to accomplish in that area today because of how awake I was!
After writing, I was even able to play my piano for the first time in a while. No one was home, which was fantastic because that is the only time I will play. So I sat down and just played. And for the first time, I didn't really care about what it sounded like. After the first song, I wasn't paying attention to hitting the right notes or making it sound absolutely perfect. I usually do, because I am a perfectionist when it comes to my piano. But today was amazing. I thought about things going on in my life, and I felt so excited for everything! And then I would zone back in my piano, and amazingly, I was actually hitting the right notes, and it sounded really good! I have always loved my piano, because when my fingers touch those keys........magic happens inside me, and everything seems alright with the world for those few moments I get to play. But today, it was even more magical, because things were starting to be fixed in my head that have been unscrewed and out of place for so long now.
To top off my great day, I was able to talk to another one of my friends. We are just starting to become friends again after not really speaking for some time due to drifting on both our parts, and it was so much fun. Nothing serious was talked about at all. It was actually very silly, and I feel very stupid for finding so much pleasure in our silliness, but it was so refreshing to laugh and to smile without forcing myself.
I know that I have a long way to go before I'm fully awake again, and even when I reach that point, it will always take work to keep me appreciating every little moment in my life. But I really enjoyed today, and I hope that this starts the process to my happiness.

Song of the Day: Beautiful Disaster, Jon McLaughlin

So I guess this is turning into an every other day thing. Sorry! I will try to slow it down.

I have been thinking a lot lately about who I am and how my life is going to play out now that Senior Year is only 2 months away. What will I do without all my friends after it's all over? Will I be able to be confident enough to make new friends? Or will I go back to my shy self that I was and still sort of am when I moved to Utah and not talk to anyone, thus ending up alone throughout college? Or, the worst possibility, will I change myself to make others happy? I have realized I have already kind of started to do this.

I was listening to this song, Beautiful Disaster, today. I have heard it before, but it's been a while. It scares me, because in a sense, the song describes me.

"Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfections.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen, but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster."

Honestly, if it would make people stay longer, if it would make me happier, if it would make everything okay, I would change who I am in an instant. I would change everything about myself to make others happy. This isn't a good thing. I need to be confident in who I am and who I can become, and I need to realize that if someone doesn't want to be my friend, which some people have not wanted to be my friends recently, I need to realize that I am doing okay with my life. I am a good person, or at least I'm trying to be. And I need to know that I will find people after high school who will love me for who I am. I'm just scared to leave the friends I do have now.

I guess this is a stupid post when I think about it. But okay.

Scripture Thoughts and College

(I don't know if spiritual things on a blog are weird, but I thought I would share this.)

So I was reading in my Book of Mormon a few nights ago when I came across a story that has never really struck me before until now. In Mosiah Chapter 27, it is written in verses 2-5:

2. And it came to pass that king Mosiah sent a proclamation throughout the land round about that there should not any unbeliever persecute any of those who belonged to the church of God.
3. And there was a strict command throughout all the churches that there should be no persecutions among them, that there should be an equality among all men;
4. That they should let no pride nor haughtiness disturb their peace; that every man should esteem his neighbor as himself, laboring with their own hands for their support.
5. Yea, and all their priests and teachers should labor with their own hands for their support, in all cases save it were in sickness, or in much want; and doing these things, they did abound in the grace of God.

It really surprised me that the people followed this proclamation, resulting in the grace of God. It just got me thinking about how I wish people in the world today could follow that kind of proclamation. If everyone only realized how much happiness and peace could be brought to us. But there will always be those people like the son of Alma who don't follow it and who try to lead those who are faithful away from what is right. I can only hope that I am not a son of Alma in this case. I want to be like the people of King Mosiah more than anything.
I don't know. I guess this part of the post is pretty pointless, but I really wanted to share it.

As for College. I received my ACT scores today. I got a 25. I am happy, really I am. However, the average score for BYU is a 28. I really have to go to BYU, not because someone is making me, but because that is what I feel is right. So I am just a little disappointed in myself for not getting a higher score. I will take the test again in September, and hopefully I will get a higher score. The closer I get to a 28, the happier I will be.

Alright, well I guess that's it for now. Sorry for the randomness. :)

So I was on the long drive back from my trip to Colorado today, and I found myself thinking. This wasn't a big deal considering the oh so exciting scenery. ;) My thought...to create a blog! So here I am.
Visiting Colorado was really an interesting thing. I didn't expect to come back having learned more about myself. I mean, I expected to go and visit some friends and family and just have an overall good time. But entering Colorado Springs felt...odd. I don't really have a word for it other than that. It has been over a year since I last went there, and I guess I just wasn't expecting all the changes that have been made. So many new places have been built, 'improved,' just overall changed. It caught me off guard.
I visited with two of my very best friends, and I did have a good time. However, now that I am home, I have realized that it all was just one big blur. I remember doing things with family and friends. I remember everything that happened. But it was all a blur. I realize now that I really wasn't paying attention to anything that was happening as it was happening. I was thinking to much into the future about what would happen when I got home, etc, that I didn't truly enjoy myself.
Before the trip, I promised myself that I would put everything that is bothering me about Utah in the back of my mind. So many things have happened in the past months, and I have truly been going crazy. But I found that easier said than done. Ghosts came to haunt me; ghosts from Utah that were supposed to be gone for the week. So Colorado wasn't the big break I was hoping for. I realize now that I am the type of person who just can't forget things. I would like to change that about myself.
While in Colorado, I also realized that I have been living my life this past while in a frenzy. I haven't been in my body per say. That is something I would like to change about myself.
I also realized that I am more grown up than I would like to be. I over analyze things to the point where I usually don't allow myself to have the fun that I, as a 17 year old, should be having. I would like to change that about myself.
Basically, this blog is a new beginning in my eyes. I know that that sounds really dumb, seeing as how this is basically just typing things onto a screen. However, I like to see it as a way to get my thoughts out and to really just improve myself.

We'll see how this goes...