Facebook Stalker

I was looking at my older sister's facebook wall today (yes, I was stalking her, but she's my sister, so it's okay :)) when I came across a comment that was left on one of her statuses. She was talking about how she couldn't take much more of what was happening this last week before her mission, and a woman who I have always looked up to (even though she doesn't know it but probably should...) replied with an article by Elder Holland. (ARTICLE HERE)

The article talks about receiving revelation and answers to prayers, and knowing that what you are about to do is right, but then feeling fear and worry, and having so much go wrong that it makes you think what you are doing may not really be right. I started reading the article out of curiosity, thinking I would probably read only a few sentences before stopping, but I wound up reading the whole article, and I had to stop myself from crying due to roommates being in the near vicinity.

I've always loved Elder Holland. He always gives such blunt talks, and I LOVE that. He tells you how it is, he reminds you that God loves you, and that's that. There's no room for questions when you listen to or read the words of this Apostle of God. All doubts are simply cast away. I needed that today. I needed that right now.

I'm here at BYU-I, and I'm constantly wondering, "Will I have enough money for next semester? Can I even afford to go home for my sister's farewell, cause if not, then that's just stupid. Can I really afford to pay my tithing? Can I make it through these classes with a passing grade and work every night until 11:30 and stay up until 2:30 every morning doing homework and be the FHE coordinator for my group and write a letter to a person who I haven't seen since I was ten and is now suddenly in my life again and find time to go to the temple when I don't have time and make it to devotional at least once this semester so I can stop feeling like the biggest sinner of all time and keep this dorm clean so I can at least try to think and make it to the gym so I can have me time and..."

I'm about to explode. I almost broke down in my Child Development class. It may have been because we were talking about abuse, and I just can't handle that topic at all, but I just walked home and I said to myself, "I'm done. I thought I was fine and could do everything, but I just can't."

And then I read this article, and I finally stopped and just...breathed. I'm doing good things here. I'm going to college to get an education to have a good future. I'm learning about things I LOVE so that I can become what I love. I have a job so that I can pay for my way here in Idaho. I am helping people by being the FHE coordinator for my group. Writing that letter to that person won't kill me. Going to devotional for one hour each week will be good for me, and I can spare that hour each week...I really can. I really can find the time to go to the temple at least twice a month. It's right up the hill. I can do these good things, because I have God on my side, and because they are right. I'm not running out of oxygen. And Elder Holland helped me to see that.

That's why I absolutely love this Gospel. I love how just when you think you can't take just one more step, you have God there giving you some little "nugget" of his glory through another person just to let you know that it's going to be okay.

Another comment on Adrianne's status directed her (And me, cause remember, I'm a stalker ;)) to Doctrine and Covenants 6:22-23.

Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.

Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?

I know that going to college is the right thing. I know that I'm trying hard. I know that God loves me and that he really does hear my prayers, the spoken ones and the ones I've kept in my heart. I know The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true, and I'm so happy to be a member of it.

I hope this wasn't too rambly....

Should I Really Post This?

Last night at work, I was talking to one of my co-workers/friends, and she said something that has really got me thinking.

“Yeah, but isn’t that how it always is? We gain such valuable wisdom and knowledge and talents through undesirable means. The refiner’s fire.”

I have been a complainer lately. There are things that I’ve come to desire so much, things that either can never happen or things that could happen but won’t happen for a while. My desire to know the future has grown so intense that it’s driving me up the wall, and I just want it to be five years from now. Anything in the here and now just creates insanity, so I spout out complaints. I don’t think it’s gotten to the point of annoyance for those around me; not yet anyway. It’s only been a few days. But I’m at the point of annoyance, and I didn’t even realize just how annoyed I was until my friend said the above to me.

Trusting God’s timing is one of my weak points in life. I feel like my whole life has been spent waiting for answers to prayers. I pray for something. I pray for something I think is so simple, something I actually really need, not even just a desire, and I get it years later. The longest I’ve waited for an answer was about five years. Yes, I got the answer, but 5 years later? It was really bothering me last night, and so I told my friend. And she said,

“Maybe the Lord is teaching you patience.”

I will admit it, my first thought was, “Don’t you think he’s taught me enough patience?”

And then I felt ashamed as my friend and I went to work again. I’m so selfish! All I’ve been thinking about this past week is what I want and how I want the timing to go. I haven’t once thought about God’s timing or about how He knows what I need, but better than that, He knows when I need it. I can’t see the future. Yes, that bothers me to no end. But He can, and I need to have more faith in him. He has proven to me time and time again that His timing is perfect. But I’m still not getting it. So maybe my friend is right. The Lord is teaching me patience, still, because I’m stubborn and won’t listen.

I’ve gained some of the most important knowledge and wisdom in my life through a refiner’s fire. Sometimes, I wish that everyone around me knew what my fire consisted of and still consists of, just so they might understand why I do what I do and feel how I feel. Patience is my next goal. It’s my late new year’s resolution.

I feel like such a selfish, rude, horrible person. I'm going to fix that.

I will trust in the Lord and will work to gain patience. I will live in and enjoy the present.

Maybe this post is too personal for a blog...