Should I Really Post This?

Last night at work, I was talking to one of my co-workers/friends, and she said something that has really got me thinking.

“Yeah, but isn’t that how it always is? We gain such valuable wisdom and knowledge and talents through undesirable means. The refiner’s fire.”

I have been a complainer lately. There are things that I’ve come to desire so much, things that either can never happen or things that could happen but won’t happen for a while. My desire to know the future has grown so intense that it’s driving me up the wall, and I just want it to be five years from now. Anything in the here and now just creates insanity, so I spout out complaints. I don’t think it’s gotten to the point of annoyance for those around me; not yet anyway. It’s only been a few days. But I’m at the point of annoyance, and I didn’t even realize just how annoyed I was until my friend said the above to me.

Trusting God’s timing is one of my weak points in life. I feel like my whole life has been spent waiting for answers to prayers. I pray for something. I pray for something I think is so simple, something I actually really need, not even just a desire, and I get it years later. The longest I’ve waited for an answer was about five years. Yes, I got the answer, but 5 years later? It was really bothering me last night, and so I told my friend. And she said,

“Maybe the Lord is teaching you patience.”

I will admit it, my first thought was, “Don’t you think he’s taught me enough patience?”

And then I felt ashamed as my friend and I went to work again. I’m so selfish! All I’ve been thinking about this past week is what I want and how I want the timing to go. I haven’t once thought about God’s timing or about how He knows what I need, but better than that, He knows when I need it. I can’t see the future. Yes, that bothers me to no end. But He can, and I need to have more faith in him. He has proven to me time and time again that His timing is perfect. But I’m still not getting it. So maybe my friend is right. The Lord is teaching me patience, still, because I’m stubborn and won’t listen.

I’ve gained some of the most important knowledge and wisdom in my life through a refiner’s fire. Sometimes, I wish that everyone around me knew what my fire consisted of and still consists of, just so they might understand why I do what I do and feel how I feel. Patience is my next goal. It’s my late new year’s resolution.

I feel like such a selfish, rude, horrible person. I'm going to fix that.

I will trust in the Lord and will work to gain patience. I will live in and enjoy the present.

Maybe this post is too personal for a blog...