Whoah

Well hello there. I forgot all about you. I'm terribly sorry, but it will probably happen again....

As for now....

The braces came off forever ago. In August. So really only 3 months ago. Here's a pitchaaaa....


I'm in school again...I'm actually almost done with this semester...Haha. I'll have my associates degree in April! Woo!

I'm currently doing Lent for 10 days for a school project. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a Catholic tradition where they give up something for a certain amount of time to honor God. I've given up Facebook and T.V. (Hence why I'm here right now.....) It's sad to realize how much of life revolves around material things....I need to be better....

Christmas break is in three weeks. I'm SUPER excited to be done with this semester of school.

So anyway. There's my random seven months too late blog update. :)

Spring Cleaning

Give me a break!

My list of things to do over my spring/summer semester break (I'm off track!) so that I don't go crazy and become a couch potato:

Go camping. In a tent without showers. Roughing it. :)

Go to Moab with my friends. Don't be afraid of four wheeling...

Go to Colorado with Brynn over Spring Break.

Go biking on Legacy Parkway. I did 51 miles last summer around Bear Lake. I'm going for that again...

Make a dress.

Write in a journal every day.

Go hiking.

Be artsy...Achieve a Megan compliment on being artsy again...

Read the entire Book of Mormon.

Go to the temple once a week.

Paint a picture. It will look like a first grader did it, but that's fine with me. :)

Have FHE every week.

Make a meal for my family at least once a week.

Attend the Single's Ward.

Read 3 books a month.

Read one encyclopedia topic every other day. Keep learning even though school won't be in session!

Learn "Shine" and/or "Liebestraum" on the piano.

This will be a fun break! And one more final thing that isn't on this list but has been on the front of my mind lately (Granted I'm just finishing my freshman year of college...): Look into graduate school. Ivy League. (As if...But still...) Get a Master's Degree.

Facebook Stalker

I was looking at my older sister's facebook wall today (yes, I was stalking her, but she's my sister, so it's okay :)) when I came across a comment that was left on one of her statuses. She was talking about how she couldn't take much more of what was happening this last week before her mission, and a woman who I have always looked up to (even though she doesn't know it but probably should...) replied with an article by Elder Holland. (ARTICLE HERE)

The article talks about receiving revelation and answers to prayers, and knowing that what you are about to do is right, but then feeling fear and worry, and having so much go wrong that it makes you think what you are doing may not really be right. I started reading the article out of curiosity, thinking I would probably read only a few sentences before stopping, but I wound up reading the whole article, and I had to stop myself from crying due to roommates being in the near vicinity.

I've always loved Elder Holland. He always gives such blunt talks, and I LOVE that. He tells you how it is, he reminds you that God loves you, and that's that. There's no room for questions when you listen to or read the words of this Apostle of God. All doubts are simply cast away. I needed that today. I needed that right now.

I'm here at BYU-I, and I'm constantly wondering, "Will I have enough money for next semester? Can I even afford to go home for my sister's farewell, cause if not, then that's just stupid. Can I really afford to pay my tithing? Can I make it through these classes with a passing grade and work every night until 11:30 and stay up until 2:30 every morning doing homework and be the FHE coordinator for my group and write a letter to a person who I haven't seen since I was ten and is now suddenly in my life again and find time to go to the temple when I don't have time and make it to devotional at least once this semester so I can stop feeling like the biggest sinner of all time and keep this dorm clean so I can at least try to think and make it to the gym so I can have me time and..."

I'm about to explode. I almost broke down in my Child Development class. It may have been because we were talking about abuse, and I just can't handle that topic at all, but I just walked home and I said to myself, "I'm done. I thought I was fine and could do everything, but I just can't."

And then I read this article, and I finally stopped and just...breathed. I'm doing good things here. I'm going to college to get an education to have a good future. I'm learning about things I LOVE so that I can become what I love. I have a job so that I can pay for my way here in Idaho. I am helping people by being the FHE coordinator for my group. Writing that letter to that person won't kill me. Going to devotional for one hour each week will be good for me, and I can spare that hour each week...I really can. I really can find the time to go to the temple at least twice a month. It's right up the hill. I can do these good things, because I have God on my side, and because they are right. I'm not running out of oxygen. And Elder Holland helped me to see that.

That's why I absolutely love this Gospel. I love how just when you think you can't take just one more step, you have God there giving you some little "nugget" of his glory through another person just to let you know that it's going to be okay.

Another comment on Adrianne's status directed her (And me, cause remember, I'm a stalker ;)) to Doctrine and Covenants 6:22-23.

Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.

Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?

I know that going to college is the right thing. I know that I'm trying hard. I know that God loves me and that he really does hear my prayers, the spoken ones and the ones I've kept in my heart. I know The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true, and I'm so happy to be a member of it.

I hope this wasn't too rambly....

Should I Really Post This?

Last night at work, I was talking to one of my co-workers/friends, and she said something that has really got me thinking.

“Yeah, but isn’t that how it always is? We gain such valuable wisdom and knowledge and talents through undesirable means. The refiner’s fire.”

I have been a complainer lately. There are things that I’ve come to desire so much, things that either can never happen or things that could happen but won’t happen for a while. My desire to know the future has grown so intense that it’s driving me up the wall, and I just want it to be five years from now. Anything in the here and now just creates insanity, so I spout out complaints. I don’t think it’s gotten to the point of annoyance for those around me; not yet anyway. It’s only been a few days. But I’m at the point of annoyance, and I didn’t even realize just how annoyed I was until my friend said the above to me.

Trusting God’s timing is one of my weak points in life. I feel like my whole life has been spent waiting for answers to prayers. I pray for something. I pray for something I think is so simple, something I actually really need, not even just a desire, and I get it years later. The longest I’ve waited for an answer was about five years. Yes, I got the answer, but 5 years later? It was really bothering me last night, and so I told my friend. And she said,

“Maybe the Lord is teaching you patience.”

I will admit it, my first thought was, “Don’t you think he’s taught me enough patience?”

And then I felt ashamed as my friend and I went to work again. I’m so selfish! All I’ve been thinking about this past week is what I want and how I want the timing to go. I haven’t once thought about God’s timing or about how He knows what I need, but better than that, He knows when I need it. I can’t see the future. Yes, that bothers me to no end. But He can, and I need to have more faith in him. He has proven to me time and time again that His timing is perfect. But I’m still not getting it. So maybe my friend is right. The Lord is teaching me patience, still, because I’m stubborn and won’t listen.

I’ve gained some of the most important knowledge and wisdom in my life through a refiner’s fire. Sometimes, I wish that everyone around me knew what my fire consisted of and still consists of, just so they might understand why I do what I do and feel how I feel. Patience is my next goal. It’s my late new year’s resolution.

I feel like such a selfish, rude, horrible person. I'm going to fix that.

I will trust in the Lord and will work to gain patience. I will live in and enjoy the present.

Maybe this post is too personal for a blog...

Gerhard

Three years ago yesterday, one of the greatest people I have ever known died. It blows my mind to think of how long it's been and yet how it still feels like it happened yesterday.

My grandpa, Gerhard "Jerry" Schwebach, was a man I looked up to with the highest of respect. He helped to raise my sisters and me; He was always there for us. He had the sweetest spirit about him. His gentle nature made you positive that he loved you so much.

I have very fond memories of playing the piano with his hand on my shoulder while he looked on with a smile. He even threw money down the stairs once and started clapping for me; He never accepted that money back. "I don't know what you're talking about, Deborah," was all he said. He liked coats. I have one specific memory of him saying, "Well don't you come crying to me when you get all sick because you decided it wasn't cool to wear a coat." I just laughed. I remember his breakfast cake, and every time he would make it, excitement would be running throughout the house the whole night before as it was a rare treat. I remember playing chess with him and how he let me win once just so I would be happy. I remember him falling asleep wherever he sat. I remember him paying my sisters and me to rub his feet for him. I remember combing his few strands of grey hair for coins as well. I remember him making mac and cheese for my sisters and me to eat while we waited downstairs, eyes glued to the coo coo clock just waiting for it to go off. I remember him stuffing so much food into his mouth and then just smiling. I remember him informing me for the first time what a charly horse is as I ran around the house screaming that I was going to die and my leg was going to have to be chopped off. I remember him eating sardines... I remember the last hug I shared with him and how it lasted so long.

I miss my grandpa every day of my life. I would not be the person I am today without his amazing influence. He raised me right alongside my mom, and for that, I will forever love him.

2011

I felt it would be appropriate to reflect on the year 2010 and make some resolutions for 2011. So here we go! :)

2010 Reflections:
The Good:
I got accepted to BYU-I!
I received a scholarship and federal aid for BYU-I!
I met Brynn!
I graduated high school!
I won a car!
I went to Massachusetts and Rhode Island!
I completed my first semester of college, passing all of my classes!
I started dressing how I want to instead of how I think people expect me to dress!
I started smiling more and walking with my head up!
I made a few college friends!
I spent Christmas and New Years surrounded with family and friends!

Exclamation marks go to all of them for being so fantastic!

The Bad:
Hm................Holy cow. Nothing bad happened this year! I mean, the little stupid things every now and then that make you a little sad happened, but nothing big happened. 2010...You've been the best year yet!

2011 Resolutions:
1. I have this problem with people. They scare me. Correction: New people scare me. As a consequence, I don't talk to new people unless they talk to me first. Resolution-I will talk to people I don't know and make friends in Rexburg because of this. I will be friendly instead of quiet and in the shadows.

2. Another problem of mine - I get offended easily. I take what has happened in my life in the past, and I bring it to the future and put it in situations where it doesn't belong, and thus, people offend me quite often. Rather, I let people offend me often. Resolution-I will brush things off easier and not bring the past into the present. I will work on not being offended by stupid things that weren't meant in offense.

3. I like to serve, but I don't get much opportunity to serve. I don't seek it out. Resolution-I will find opportunitites to serve and help others in need.

4. I have a problem allowing others to help me. It's a pride issue I guess. Resolution-I will allow others to help me when I need the help. I will not act like I can do everything on my own.

I can't wait to see what opportunities and lessons 2011 has in store for me and those around me...Happy 2011!