Summer is on the front of my mind lately. The sun is shining, the grass is glowing green, children are running around laughing and screaming, birds are chirping, lawns are being mowed, people are out excercising. If I could just live outside all day everyday, my life would be complete. I have a passion for the outdoors. Summer can't come quick enough.
Books are also a passion of mine. For the past year, Victor has run circles in my mind as the man who unleashed a creature on society, the man who recked his changes for a happy life. Young Catherine has danced through the hills as the naive child who thoucht she knew everthing but wound up knowing nothing. Hamlet has grasped at my heart strings as the man who lived and breathed a torturous life but fought for justice. Janie has gained my respect as the girl who grew into a woman through trying circumstances and never gave in to the ways of society. Individualism was her plea. I have loved all of these characters and have cherished their stories, their lives. However, I am SO excited to have the opportunity to read for fun now, to read any book I want just because I want to instead of having Mrs. Riley assign me what I have to read in AP English.
I want to experience Nazi Germany, the times of World War II through the eyes of Leisel. I want to see a new world full of phaeries and haunted scare crows through the eyes of Posion. I want to live through the pains of Hunger with all those in the Faze. I want to read like I used to, breathe in the lives of so many different characters like I used to....just for fun!!
I think I may be a litte insane..........
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Past = Future
There is a quote that one of my friends once gave me from something called Fruits Basket. I can't remember it word for word, but it talks about someone who once wished for the past to disappear. She wished that her past wouldn't define her, and that she could move on and just forget about it. But she came to realize that her past effected her present and her future in ways she could see and even ways she couldn't see.
I have always been taught that your past shouldn't define who your present self is. You should be who you choose to be, not who your past experiences tell you to be. However, I have come to a realization. Your past defines who you are no matter how hard you work for it not to. You work to become someone who isn't "that girl" with "that past" and with "those secrets" so you can be seen as amazing and strong, but those things, the things that got you to your present self, are you. They are the reason you are who you are at this time, and you can never get rid of them. As much as you work to forget, dream to forget, fight to forget, you will never forget, and you shouldn't try to.
My past isn't one I'm proud of. I have been all over the spectrum, from that depressed girl who sits quietly in the corner, to that loud obnoxious girl who never seems to shut up, to that reflective girl who can't exist outside of her head, to that girl who goes around dying her hair a billion different colors and chopping it off until it's almost non existent just to feel...something, to that girl who is so strong in the gospel that she thinks she will never falter, and right down to that girl who falters dangerously, even stepping over a line she once set for herself only to try her hardest to get back over to the right side.
People have abandoned me multiple times, leaving as if I never meant anything to them. People have treated me like a piece of scum multiple times until I believed their every word and even fed off of their lies. I have been that person who I never ever wanted to be, but I am not that person anymore.
I have fought with everything I have in me to redeem myself and to fix past mistakes. I have worked hard to forget those people who have wronged me, to forget about a past that I hate with every fiber of my being. But through that fight, through all that work, I have realized.....I can't forget it. To forget it would be a dishonor to myself.
Those who teach that your past doesn't define you....I now disagree. My past defines me. It makes me who I am today. Because without my past, I wouldn't be that girl who tries her hardest to be the best person she can be. I wouldn't be that person who tries to care about everyone around her and works to care about herself again.
My only problem with changing through the course of high school....Those same people who saw who I was then see who I am now. And it's hard for them to understand just how different I am. I wouldn't understand it. How could someone become someone so completely different in two years?
I can only say this....I'm working hard. I credit my time in high school for my change. It can actually be a good place!!!! Believe it!!
I have always been taught that your past shouldn't define who your present self is. You should be who you choose to be, not who your past experiences tell you to be. However, I have come to a realization. Your past defines who you are no matter how hard you work for it not to. You work to become someone who isn't "that girl" with "that past" and with "those secrets" so you can be seen as amazing and strong, but those things, the things that got you to your present self, are you. They are the reason you are who you are at this time, and you can never get rid of them. As much as you work to forget, dream to forget, fight to forget, you will never forget, and you shouldn't try to.
My past isn't one I'm proud of. I have been all over the spectrum, from that depressed girl who sits quietly in the corner, to that loud obnoxious girl who never seems to shut up, to that reflective girl who can't exist outside of her head, to that girl who goes around dying her hair a billion different colors and chopping it off until it's almost non existent just to feel...something, to that girl who is so strong in the gospel that she thinks she will never falter, and right down to that girl who falters dangerously, even stepping over a line she once set for herself only to try her hardest to get back over to the right side.
People have abandoned me multiple times, leaving as if I never meant anything to them. People have treated me like a piece of scum multiple times until I believed their every word and even fed off of their lies. I have been that person who I never ever wanted to be, but I am not that person anymore.
I have fought with everything I have in me to redeem myself and to fix past mistakes. I have worked hard to forget those people who have wronged me, to forget about a past that I hate with every fiber of my being. But through that fight, through all that work, I have realized.....I can't forget it. To forget it would be a dishonor to myself.
Those who teach that your past doesn't define you....I now disagree. My past defines me. It makes me who I am today. Because without my past, I wouldn't be that girl who tries her hardest to be the best person she can be. I wouldn't be that person who tries to care about everyone around her and works to care about herself again.
My only problem with changing through the course of high school....Those same people who saw who I was then see who I am now. And it's hard for them to understand just how different I am. I wouldn't understand it. How could someone become someone so completely different in two years?
I can only say this....I'm working hard. I credit my time in high school for my change. It can actually be a good place!!!! Believe it!!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Sorry
Once upon a time, there was a girl who always said "I'm sorry." Whenever she did something that she felt was even remotely embarresing or stupid or uncalled for, she would apologize even if there was absolutely no need for an apology.
This girl, lets call her Frances, had reasons for apologizing. For about two years, there was a boy, let's call him Bob, who constantly told Frances that she wasn't worth anyone's time and that everything she did was rather dumb. So she got into the habit of apologizing to dumb Bob. Even though Frances didn't talk to Bob anymore, the habit stuck and the thoughts he put into her head stuck.
Well, one day Frances realized that it was a stupid habit that she needed to stop, because she really didn't need to waste all her energy thinking other people were annoyed with her and needed her apologies. So, Frances promised herself that she would only apologize to people if it was absolutely called for.
The. End.
This girl, lets call her Frances, had reasons for apologizing. For about two years, there was a boy, let's call him Bob, who constantly told Frances that she wasn't worth anyone's time and that everything she did was rather dumb. So she got into the habit of apologizing to dumb Bob. Even though Frances didn't talk to Bob anymore, the habit stuck and the thoughts he put into her head stuck.
Well, one day Frances realized that it was a stupid habit that she needed to stop, because she really didn't need to waste all her energy thinking other people were annoyed with her and needed her apologies. So, Frances promised herself that she would only apologize to people if it was absolutely called for.
The. End.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Slow Down.....
So I'm looking at the calendar and it suddenly hits me. It's May 3rd. May. 3rd. The third day in the month of May. Of 2010. I have 19 days left of school and then three days of finals week (Half days), and then one yearbook day, and then comes graduation at 7 p.m. on June 4th and then I'm done with high school. Forever. And ever. Just done. Just like that. A walk across a stage, reaching out to grab a piece of paper that proves I went through thirteen years of heck, and then I'm done forever.
Wait....really??
I never thought it would happen, but I'm pleading with whatever force can stop time to do it. Slow it down. Stop it altogether. Do it now before I freak out. I want college more than anything on this planet right now. I want it so badly that it's driving me insane. But am I really done with high school, with everything I have known for my whole life, in 19 school days and 3 finals days? Am I really going to just....be finished with all I have worked on since I was five? Is a piece of paper with the letters D.I.P.L.O.M.A. stamped on top really going to be handed to me, and is it really going to signify how hard I have worked? A piece of paper?
I'm scared.
Wait....really??
I never thought it would happen, but I'm pleading with whatever force can stop time to do it. Slow it down. Stop it altogether. Do it now before I freak out. I want college more than anything on this planet right now. I want it so badly that it's driving me insane. But am I really done with high school, with everything I have known for my whole life, in 19 school days and 3 finals days? Am I really going to just....be finished with all I have worked on since I was five? Is a piece of paper with the letters D.I.P.L.O.M.A. stamped on top really going to be handed to me, and is it really going to signify how hard I have worked? A piece of paper?
I'm scared.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
My Brain is Gone
I hate mother nature. It is may, and warm weather is nowhere in sight. It is depressing me. I have decided that when I grow up and get married, I will convince my husband to move somewhere where it is sunny most of the time. Rain would be nice once a week or so; hot rain, not that cold stuff that makes you miserable. And then I could live my life happy and free.
Do you ever feel as if your mind is somewhere completely different from your body? I feel like that a lot lately. My friend Brynn came here to Utah from Massachusetts a few weeks ago, and it seems like when she left, my mind went with her. I am stuck here in Utah, but my mind is elsewhere. It's a weird feeling. I am trying really hard to get my mind back, but it's not working very well.
I feel like one of the reasons I'm 'gone' is because once Brynn left, it seems lots of people left with her. Not literally, but figuratively. It's kind of a depressing feeling. I tried to force myself back yesterday though. I went to the Ogden Institute at Weber State with some of my friends for a senior night. We ate dinner and got to listen to John Bytheway, and then we had a dance. It was pretty fun. It was raining really hard after, and so Natalie and I danced in it (we're just your regular ol' ballerinas), and Joel kidnapped Alicia (literally picked her up and carried her away) so that he could 'propose' to her in the rain. And then we had an adventurous ride home in the pouring rain, even going so far as to turn onto a one way street. I'm surprised we survived!
I can't wait for college. I want to go and be free to study exactly the things I want to study and to be able to make lots of friends and be free to make choices. I feel like I am more prepared than I should be because of all life has put me through, and so I'm ready to get going.
This has been a very random blog post. I apologize. Haha, wait....no I don't..... ;)
Do you ever feel as if your mind is somewhere completely different from your body? I feel like that a lot lately. My friend Brynn came here to Utah from Massachusetts a few weeks ago, and it seems like when she left, my mind went with her. I am stuck here in Utah, but my mind is elsewhere. It's a weird feeling. I am trying really hard to get my mind back, but it's not working very well.
I feel like one of the reasons I'm 'gone' is because once Brynn left, it seems lots of people left with her. Not literally, but figuratively. It's kind of a depressing feeling. I tried to force myself back yesterday though. I went to the Ogden Institute at Weber State with some of my friends for a senior night. We ate dinner and got to listen to John Bytheway, and then we had a dance. It was pretty fun. It was raining really hard after, and so Natalie and I danced in it (we're just your regular ol' ballerinas), and Joel kidnapped Alicia (literally picked her up and carried her away) so that he could 'propose' to her in the rain. And then we had an adventurous ride home in the pouring rain, even going so far as to turn onto a one way street. I'm surprised we survived!
I can't wait for college. I want to go and be free to study exactly the things I want to study and to be able to make lots of friends and be free to make choices. I feel like I am more prepared than I should be because of all life has put me through, and so I'm ready to get going.
This has been a very random blog post. I apologize. Haha, wait....no I don't..... ;)
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