To Save a Life

Lately, I've been thinking about life. I've been thinking about how important every one person is to the way the world works. Everyone has a purpose on this earth. Everyone was guided to where they are for a reason. I know this. However, I've often found myself having trouble applying this knowledge to myself. It's easy to think that someone else is so important to the world and to the people around them. It's harder to accept the fact that you are of importance too.

A lot of my life has been spent wondering if I make a difference to anyone. I think everyone wonders this at some point. I've wondered if my life means anything. Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I leaving a mark on people's lives? Will I die when I'm old having done my part, having fulfilled my purpose?

I just finished watching the movie To Save a Life for the second time in two days. It has had a powerful affect on my thoughts. Every person in that movie was important, even Roger who committed suicide in the beginning because he felt no one cared about him and he wasn't making a mark on the world. Even he meant something to SO many people. He saved lives! Someone who spent years thinking he had no purpose....he did. But he never knew that, because no one cared until after he was gone.

I've always known that everyone means so much to God. But what if they don't know that? What if they spend their life not understanding that they are significant to God's eternal plan? How sad! It tears me apart to think that someone may not know how important they are, how crucial their life is. But then I wonder.....Do I know that about myself? I know God loves me. I know that for a fact. But do I leave a mark on anyone...That I don't know.

But that....That is what I plan on finding out....And through that process, I hope to make a difference in the lives of those new people around me who I will meet in exactly two weeks...

The trailer for To Save a Life HERE.

I'm Less Than Those Kids Deserve

I was called to teach the 10 and 11 year old girls in Primary at the beginning of the Summer, and every time I have taught since then, I have come to realize just how difficult it is.

In all honesty: My knowledge of the Bible is very limited. I know basically nothing that I should, and I'm ashamed of that. Give me anything from the Book of Mormon, and I can tell it to you straight. I know that book. Give me that book to teach and I could actually make something out of the lessons. These lessons that I am supposed to teach, however, are so new to me that every time I open the lesson manual and I flip to the pages in the Bible, I get so confused in all of the old english and all of the history these stories involve that I forget the whole purpose of why I'm teaching these kids. I forget the whole purpose of the lesson, because I get so caught up in knowing the story line as if I'm going to be quizzed on every little detail later. I forget to teach the purpose of the lesson and turn Sunday School into the worst story time of those kid's lives as I stumble over my words and fumble with the pages and try my very best to get things right so I don't send them home to their parents where they will relay false information that their 18 year old teacher taught them. :ALSKDFJAS:DGHSDF

To make matters worse, I have the biggest Bible wizz of all time sitting two feet from me during every class. I team teach with another woman in the ward, and she knows everything. EVERYTHING. So I'm sitting here, knowing absolutely nothing, hoping that I'm not going to say something wrong with this genius sitting by me that I just forget even more to actually teach the point of the story.

I'm less than those kids deserve.

Remind me again why I want to be an elementary school teacher. Please. Because I've forgotten.

I'll just go have another pity party now while I sit and try to figure out what this King Solomon is all about...........

I'm Warning You, We're Growing Up - Turpentine, Brandi Carlile

It seems every day lately, I come to the realization time and time again that I'm growing up. I am done with high school forever. College is less than a month away. I'm doing things with my life that scare me so much but exhilarate me at the same time.

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to travel to my hometown, to the place where I grew up. I visited all the old sights, soaking in all the memories that seemed to bombard me more than ever before. Ever since my grandpa's death two and a half years ago, I have had it in my head that Colorado Springs is an awful place where bad things happen. My solo trip there in December wasn't the best trip of my life. I loved being around my family, but I spent most of my time in my aunt's home avoiding outside. I never wanted to go there again, to be honest. But I went to witness my sweet cousin Mara Jade be baptized into the Mormon church. And while there, I took advantage of the time I had in an area I had previously shunned from my thoughts to try to make peace with myself and with the place that built me.

I visited my grandpa's old home with my friend Heidi. We walked the path from her home to the elementary school where I spent many years playing imaginary games. We walked the same path to my grandpa's home that we walked every day throughout the school year, and even in the summer. We saw the home, and I realized it was completely different. The new owner fixed it up so nicely...It wasn't the same house. That bothered me so much in December that I couldn't even look at it. But for some reason, this time I made peace with it. Maybe it's because everything is changing lately. One more thing isn't a huge deal. But maybe it's also because I'm selfish. And now I know that no one else will be able to have the memories my sisters and I had in Colorado growing up. No one else will be able to play dare devil to see who could walk around the cactus without falling in, because the new owner took it out. No one else will be able to climb behind the bushes at the front of the house while playing hide and seek, because the new owner took out those bushes. No one else will be able to run through the backyard picking apples from the trees with neighborhood friends, because the new owner took out the trees. Those memories are mine to keep forever. That house, the home it was, is mine to keep.

For the past nine months, I have been making huge changes in my life. I have rid myself of everything that was ruining my spirit, and I have tried so hard to surround myself with people and activities that show myself who I can be and who I want to be. One example: I just recently completed the most emotionally challenging experience of my life, not the most physically challenging experience oddly enough. I finished a fifty one mile bike ride. New challenges keep coming my way, some that I thought I was done with. They came creeping back, people came creeping back that left before. But this trip to Colorado, this trip to my hometown changed my thoughts. Colorado isn't a scary place anymore. I can go back with no fear and only admiration for the place that gave me the boards and nails to start building me into who I am today.

It keeps hitting me. We aren't kids anymore, the class of 2010. I'm Warning You, We're Growing Up.