Sarcasm and Robots

South Koreans are thinking of replacing their teachers with robot teachers. 30 test robots have already been sent out to classrooms to collect data. This idea is said to be completely great because now, no one will have to deal with paying teachers, giving teachers sick leave, building retirement funds, etc. And, the best part...

Students who are too afraid to talk to human teachers and ask questions of human teachers will feel more at ease with a robot teacher!! Isn't that great?! Ingenious I tell you.

Stupid.

If this idea spreads to America, I might just move far away, probably to another planet. Dramatic? Not when it comes to the education of children.

Let's teach our children to talk to people of their own species, not to shy away from them and lean toward technology for communication. Seriously, what a hindrance for them...to have to rely on technology to get thoughts across.

Here's the link so my rambling might make at least a little bit of sense.

CLICK ME!

Thankful

Isn't it weird how often times you don't know how necessary and useful something is until it's gone?

Today, I've become incredibly thankful for teeth. Such a silly thing to be thankful for, right?

That's right. I've sunk low enough to blog about teeth...

Yesterday, I went into the orthodontist. Dr. Heath put some intense stuff onto my bottom teeth, saying he would put it onto the top in December too. It's the final stuff. 4-6 months of this wire with diligent use of rubber bands and I'm born free. Sounds great, right?

Dude, this stuff kills. My mouth is in constant pain. You wanna know why? My jaw is moving. My teeth are unrooting themselves thanks to the lovely wires the nice doctor put on and the tiny rubber bands he told me to wear constantly, and my jaw is moving over to align itself properly so I can get these suckers off and never have to get them on again.

So today as I sit here contemplating eating a piece of candy, I'm flashing back to thanksgiving dinner and how chewing one bite was so calculated, so careful. So painful. And I look away from the candy and decide to drink some water instead.

This is stupid. All I want is some food. I'm so hungry!

Basically, this post can be summed up into a few key points:

1. I'm thankful to finally have an orthodontist who knows what he is doing and actually cares about me. A doctor who actually cares about giving me the treatment my mom is paying for instead of one who claims to know what he's doing but very obviously doesn't after 2 years of having braces on and nothing but nothing happening. I'm not bitter...I'm not.

2. I'm thankful for the chance to have straight teeth. Orthodonture is barbaric, but hey. I'll have a great smile once all is said and done.

3. I'm thankful for the ability to chew whithout thinking about it. Or at least, I'm greatful for the chance I will have to do that sometime next year...

4. I'm thankful for FOOD!

That's all, folks!

November

I love November. It's a beautiful month, and it's full of so much thankfulness. I love that feeling. I thought I would start the month off right (on the 10th of course) with a few things I'm thankful for.

1. I am thankful for my trials and for the way they have helped to shape me into the person I am today.




2. I am thankful for my family.


3. I am thankful for my life and for the health that I have been given, regardless of my asthma and intense clumsiness.

4. I am thankful for all of the experiences and opportunities I have been offered.


5. I am thankful for friends and college.



Happy November!

Uncle Adam is a Genius

My Uncle Adam is a psychologist. He has his PhD and everything. He is a genius in my eyes as of this moment in time. Why? Because I have nearly failed every psychology test I have taken this year. Those questions are unlike any test questions I have ever seen. They are so indepth that it's confusing. I called myself a failure....until today. I got a 74% on my test today. And I nearly cried for joy. A 74 makes me immensely happy. Isn't that depressing? My uncle will forever be a genius for going through a billion insane psychology tests resulting in his PhD.

In other news, midterms came today. I'm going to have to get used to grades lower than an A. College is hard. But I'm doing better than I expected...passing every class and all that jazz. Maybe next semester, I will figure things out and get A's! ..........

To Bountiful tomorrow! I can't wait to see my family. :)

Halloween is a Scam

Once upon a time in a boring town called Rexburg, nothing ever happened. The end.

Just kidding. No but seriously. Nothing ever happens here. Downtown Rexburg looks like the street from South Davis Jr. High to Kmart in Bountiful. Tiny. So I'm afraid my blog is going to suffer. However, I do have one exciting happening in my life, and it goes a little something like this:

Two weeks ago, a timid "mother" of a Family Home Evening group had the fantasticly fantastic idea to take her "children" to a Haunted Mill in a certain town called Teton. Monday's were getting awkward as everyone sat in a circle inside trying to find exciting things to do, so "mom" decided it was time to get out and have a little fun.

(P.S. - I'm the "mom" in case it wasn't clear.)

We drove up in three cars and arrived at the mill just before the mad rush hit. It was Monday night after all, and many FHE groups from BYU-I would be coming soon. We all got in line in the middle of nowhere, blackness surrounding us as an eery old building stood off to the side of us. All was well, jokes being made, laughter being heard, until out of the corner of my eye, I saw two figures start to move, two figures who had previously been immobile: A dead bride with a wicked discusting face (Crap. I'm turning into Brynn. Who says wicked? Honestly.) and a gross zombie. And then it hit me.

My name is Deborah and I do not enter haunted houses of any sort or engage in any kind of halloween fun, for I hate Halloween and think it is a barbaric holiday made up just so people can get away with terrifying others.

And the panic set in. And I started to get this odd urge to smack the person who had the idea to bring us all here. Until I realized. It was me.

I'm a smart mom.

To make a long story even longer, near hyperventilation ensued until my "children" had to literally drag me into the mill. Kenyan, my "son," was in the lead, and I swear I broke his hand with how hard I was gripping it, although he says it didn't even feel like I was holding his hand. Maybe he was trying to act like a man? I don't know. Either way, I'm convinced his hand was broken by the end. And then Brynn was behind me. We broke each other's wrists.

Monsters jumped out at me. I hit my head and knee on the walls like the klutz that I am (I somehow knew I would be getting hurt. After all, if anyone were to get hurt, it would be me.) A chainsaw man chased after me and tried to saw my face off. A creepy monster ran his discusting fingers along my face. In short, I was dragged through that mill saying, "Don't let go, Don't let go, Get me out of here, Don't let go," the whole 30 minutes.

I don't know, but I'm pretty sure the "mom" is supposed to comfort the "children," not the other way around.

Basically, I quit on Halloween. I've had my scare for my lifetime. I'm movin' on to Thanksgiving and Christmas now.

THE END

P.S. - My older sister is going to the Phillipines in March for her mission. :) :)

Nope

I'm not cut out for college at BYU-Idaho.

My whole life, I have received great grades. I have done all the homework asked of me, and teachers have loved me for that. BYU-I is different. They aren't here to teach you how to memorize facts and repeat them back like in high school. The teachers here actually put stuff into your brain. They actually want you to learn, to become an intellect, to grow in that way instead of wanting you to just be able to spit out memorized facts. My whole life has been focused on memorization.

I don't know how to learn. I haven't been taught how to learn. I've been taught how to remember things for a test and then to forget them and move on.

I'm not cut out for BYU-Idaho.

Rexburg

I've been in college for only a week and a half, and yet it already feels like an eternity. It's a weird feeling being here at the place I have thought of for so long: The place I thought would be terrifying, the place I thought would be too much to handle, the place I didn't want to go to at the very end. Now that I'm here, this place, this blessed spot of Rexburg, Idaho is so amazing. It is so far from scary that it scares me at times. ;)

Walking around campus, I feel at peace. I feel at home. I've started calling my dorm home, which I told myself I would never do. But this campus, this college, BYU-Idaho feels so....right. I am meant to be here at this time. I know this for a fact. I have felt it through my classes. I have felt it through the people I have come to know. I have felt it when I think about how I've been here for eternity having this great time, and then I remember I've only been here for a week and a half. It feels that right. I have felt it through all of the Mormon aspects this school offers. Prayers at the beginning of math class are amazing to me. Science mixed with religion feels so fantastic. This place...I'm meant to be here.

And at the same time...I'm having the hardest time of my life. I'm already an independant person. I've been that way practically my whole life. I like doing things for myself. It feels good. I like depending on myself. But this is different. This kind of independence is complete. I'm responsible for every move I make, and that is starting to break me down. And it's so hard.

But I know for a fact that I am meant to be here. I can't prove it physically, but as my science teacher said, not all things can be, and that's okay. I feel it with every fiber of my being. So I know everything will be okay no matter how my college experience plays out.

College.....Man I'm old!

To Save a Life

Lately, I've been thinking about life. I've been thinking about how important every one person is to the way the world works. Everyone has a purpose on this earth. Everyone was guided to where they are for a reason. I know this. However, I've often found myself having trouble applying this knowledge to myself. It's easy to think that someone else is so important to the world and to the people around them. It's harder to accept the fact that you are of importance too.

A lot of my life has been spent wondering if I make a difference to anyone. I think everyone wonders this at some point. I've wondered if my life means anything. Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I leaving a mark on people's lives? Will I die when I'm old having done my part, having fulfilled my purpose?

I just finished watching the movie To Save a Life for the second time in two days. It has had a powerful affect on my thoughts. Every person in that movie was important, even Roger who committed suicide in the beginning because he felt no one cared about him and he wasn't making a mark on the world. Even he meant something to SO many people. He saved lives! Someone who spent years thinking he had no purpose....he did. But he never knew that, because no one cared until after he was gone.

I've always known that everyone means so much to God. But what if they don't know that? What if they spend their life not understanding that they are significant to God's eternal plan? How sad! It tears me apart to think that someone may not know how important they are, how crucial their life is. But then I wonder.....Do I know that about myself? I know God loves me. I know that for a fact. But do I leave a mark on anyone...That I don't know.

But that....That is what I plan on finding out....And through that process, I hope to make a difference in the lives of those new people around me who I will meet in exactly two weeks...

The trailer for To Save a Life HERE.

I'm Less Than Those Kids Deserve

I was called to teach the 10 and 11 year old girls in Primary at the beginning of the Summer, and every time I have taught since then, I have come to realize just how difficult it is.

In all honesty: My knowledge of the Bible is very limited. I know basically nothing that I should, and I'm ashamed of that. Give me anything from the Book of Mormon, and I can tell it to you straight. I know that book. Give me that book to teach and I could actually make something out of the lessons. These lessons that I am supposed to teach, however, are so new to me that every time I open the lesson manual and I flip to the pages in the Bible, I get so confused in all of the old english and all of the history these stories involve that I forget the whole purpose of why I'm teaching these kids. I forget the whole purpose of the lesson, because I get so caught up in knowing the story line as if I'm going to be quizzed on every little detail later. I forget to teach the purpose of the lesson and turn Sunday School into the worst story time of those kid's lives as I stumble over my words and fumble with the pages and try my very best to get things right so I don't send them home to their parents where they will relay false information that their 18 year old teacher taught them. :ALSKDFJAS:DGHSDF

To make matters worse, I have the biggest Bible wizz of all time sitting two feet from me during every class. I team teach with another woman in the ward, and she knows everything. EVERYTHING. So I'm sitting here, knowing absolutely nothing, hoping that I'm not going to say something wrong with this genius sitting by me that I just forget even more to actually teach the point of the story.

I'm less than those kids deserve.

Remind me again why I want to be an elementary school teacher. Please. Because I've forgotten.

I'll just go have another pity party now while I sit and try to figure out what this King Solomon is all about...........

I'm Warning You, We're Growing Up - Turpentine, Brandi Carlile

It seems every day lately, I come to the realization time and time again that I'm growing up. I am done with high school forever. College is less than a month away. I'm doing things with my life that scare me so much but exhilarate me at the same time.

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to travel to my hometown, to the place where I grew up. I visited all the old sights, soaking in all the memories that seemed to bombard me more than ever before. Ever since my grandpa's death two and a half years ago, I have had it in my head that Colorado Springs is an awful place where bad things happen. My solo trip there in December wasn't the best trip of my life. I loved being around my family, but I spent most of my time in my aunt's home avoiding outside. I never wanted to go there again, to be honest. But I went to witness my sweet cousin Mara Jade be baptized into the Mormon church. And while there, I took advantage of the time I had in an area I had previously shunned from my thoughts to try to make peace with myself and with the place that built me.

I visited my grandpa's old home with my friend Heidi. We walked the path from her home to the elementary school where I spent many years playing imaginary games. We walked the same path to my grandpa's home that we walked every day throughout the school year, and even in the summer. We saw the home, and I realized it was completely different. The new owner fixed it up so nicely...It wasn't the same house. That bothered me so much in December that I couldn't even look at it. But for some reason, this time I made peace with it. Maybe it's because everything is changing lately. One more thing isn't a huge deal. But maybe it's also because I'm selfish. And now I know that no one else will be able to have the memories my sisters and I had in Colorado growing up. No one else will be able to play dare devil to see who could walk around the cactus without falling in, because the new owner took it out. No one else will be able to climb behind the bushes at the front of the house while playing hide and seek, because the new owner took out those bushes. No one else will be able to run through the backyard picking apples from the trees with neighborhood friends, because the new owner took out the trees. Those memories are mine to keep forever. That house, the home it was, is mine to keep.

For the past nine months, I have been making huge changes in my life. I have rid myself of everything that was ruining my spirit, and I have tried so hard to surround myself with people and activities that show myself who I can be and who I want to be. One example: I just recently completed the most emotionally challenging experience of my life, not the most physically challenging experience oddly enough. I finished a fifty one mile bike ride. New challenges keep coming my way, some that I thought I was done with. They came creeping back, people came creeping back that left before. But this trip to Colorado, this trip to my hometown changed my thoughts. Colorado isn't a scary place anymore. I can go back with no fear and only admiration for the place that gave me the boards and nails to start building me into who I am today.

It keeps hitting me. We aren't kids anymore, the class of 2010. I'm Warning You, We're Growing Up.

Information Overload

Massachusetts was absolutely beautiful. It was just the vacation from life that I needed. I was able to see my future roommate/my best friend, I was able to go to the beach for the first time since I was about 6. I was able to traverse through the bug invested forests without facing death (although it felt like death considering we got lost, we were being eaten alive by every bug known to man, and we had to sneak through someone's yard to finally get out of there). I was able to go to Six Flags New England where Brynn and I melted (literally) along with everyone else there (humidity is a lovely thing), and I survived my very first minor concussion. I was able to go to church in Amherst and experience a small ward again like those good ol' Colorado days. I was able to survive Brynn's limited driving experience on freeways and highways and roundabouts. I was able to relax and forget about the fear of college and about everything that is ending and everything that is beginning. It was lovely. :)

Upon getting back to the desert (I will forever miss the lack of dirt that Massachusetts offered), I went back to work, I bought all of my college kitchen stuff (I swear it feels like I'm playing house), and I changed my last day of work. It is now August 27th. Now I can actually have a week without work to pack up my belongings for college instead of one Saturday.

Basically, this is just an information overload blog post. But there you have it.

ABC

ABC's of Me:

A. Allergies are the bane of my existence. If allergies were a person, I would beat him to a pulp.
B. I become restless if I stay in one place too long. I can only handle one lazy day at a time. Any more than that, and I start to go crazy.
C. I enjoy reading, I really do. I need to do it more often. I could live in a library. My favorite authors are Sarah Dessen and Laurie Halse Anderson. I mix them up often.
D. I can not focus on writing anymore with Summer in full swing. It's just too beautiful outside.
E. I enjoy melting outside no matter how much I complain about it. I wish I could melt all day every day.
F. Dusk is my favorite time of day.
G. I make weird screaching noises when something excites me. I try really hard not to, but it just happens.
H. I have an adventurous heart and would do so many amazing, kind of reckless things if I weren't so chicken. Instead, I settle for biking, running, etc. (Anything outdoors).
I. I want to be the kind of teacher that kids look back on and say, "Wow, they really inspired me." Like Mrs. Riley.
J. I love my Opa and Oma. I envy their marriage.
K. I love swinging. I love leaning my head back and looking at the sky while swinging.
L. I can't die until I see Coldplay live in concert.
M. I also can't die until I have been on the London Eye. And gone sky diving. And scuba diving. And tried to surf. And ski. And go cliff diving. Basically, I can't die until I do everything reckless.
N. I despise driving. It's a waste of my life, and it makes it so I can't look at summer.
O. Pay cuts are the dumbest things in existence.
P. Kendals (or however it is spelled) make me mad. So does giving laptops to fourth graders and up. I am passionate about education. Kendals and electronic learning are stunting the minds of children today.
Q. My piano is my life. Just touching its keys calms me down.
R. I say cran. Not crayon. Crayon takes too long. It's another waste of my life.
S. I don't fear flying. I actually love flying. It's airports that scare me. They are so busy all the time, and they are too large. I am sign stupid. I don't understand directional signs.
T. I love my family.
U. God is amazing. I can't believe how amazing God is.
V. I wear flats, not sneakers or anything of the sort. My feet, odd as it is, get claustrophobic. I only wear sneakers when I run, etc. And I only wear boots in the snow.
W. I fear everyday situations. For example, going to the store scares me.
X. I am very, VERY picky about what music goes on my IPOD or my blog playlist. If the song has no meaning to me personally, or if the words are just stupid and the song is only good for the beat (a.k.a. every single song that is coming out these days), then I will not let it near my IPOD.
Y. Simpleness is the best thing. I don't want a big home in the future. I don't want expensive things. The simpler, the better. I just want my family with me to enjoy good times together.
Z. I treasure speaking out loud with someone in person or over the phone. Actual communication. I will forever hate texting, facebook, and anything of the sort. However, I will forever use them.

Having a Life 101

"Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good."

Michael Buble is a genius. This song sums up exactly how I feel right now. I realized last night...I have a life!! I've never had a life before!

I work 7 hours every day. And then I go home and I find some friends and I invite them to hang out. We hang out, I get home late, go to bed, and do it over again the next day. I make plans on my own with family and go out to dinner with my great grandparents. I went on a date the other night. I'm going to Massachusetts. And to Colorado, even for only 3 days. And I'm doing a 50 mile bike ride with the laurels in my ward which requires training (hello biker muscles!). And....I have a life!!

Lately, I've been feeling very weird. Not bad weird...Very very good weird. I feel free (BOOOOOORN FREEEEEEEEEE. It's a song. Look it up.) I feel so happy, and I find myself at work smiling to absolutely no one. I smile at walls. I smile at my computer. I smile at the ceiling. I'm probably insane.

Yup.

I'm insane.

But it feels so good! I find myself initiating a lot of things more. Instead of sitting at home feeling like a hobo (which I must admit I do a lot), I invite people to hang out. I go out and find things to do with my life. I make plans. I've taken control of my life. And it feels so good!

I feel like I'm maturing. Growing up. But I feel like I'm doing it in a way where I still have fun. I'm....dare I say it...allowing myself to have fun. I feel like I can be myself more. I'm not so shy anymore. I'm not antisocial anymore. I love people! Did you know that? I didn't. People are SO nice! And I've found.....people actually enjoy being around me when I'm myself....I think....

This is the good life....I should have a life more often. :)

Harry Potter

The first intallment of the last Harry Potter movie comes out the friday after I turn 19. November 19th. I may be a nerd, but if I'm not at that midnight showing, I just might die. I have grown up with Harry. He is my favorite hero. So, if BYU-Idaho doesn't let up on it's dorm curfew for one night for that midnight showing, I just might cry. Or I'll just come home for that weekend and see it here. Either way.

Oh, and Harry Potter doesn't even compare to Twilight. It's too fantastic to even be near the same level as that vampire crap. Woops. That sounded rude. I apologize...

Anyway....I think I'm an obsessed fan. Sad day...

The trailer: Here.

Money

I have this fear. It's a completely rational fear while being irrational at the same time. I guess I make it irrational.

My fear: Money.

I hate money. It is the one thing that everyone needs in life, and I don't have much of it. Correction: I don't have an abundance of it. I have the amount I need for one year at college, but that's it. That's where my fear comes in.

What happens after one year of college? If I can't find a job, which is likely in this crappy economy, what the heck am I supposed to do? I have to educate myself. I have to get a degree. But how am I expected to do that with no money?

And so I go on no spending 'binges' or whatever you call it. I don't spend anything. The only money that comes out of my account goes toward gas, my cell phone bill, and tithing. Nothing else.

But then I go crazy, because it's nice to do something for myself for once, like getting that ice cream from Arctic Circle I have been craving for a month, or grabbing that I-tunes card that I have told myself I don't need for half a year. And I wind up doing something insane. Like buying a plane ticket to Massachusetts (Even though I still can't find it in me to regret that decision). And then I freak out and go back on a no spending 'binge'.

I hate money. It will forever be my biggest fear in life. Will I have enough of it? Will I ever even be able to do anything fun, or will I be too scared to take out a little money every now and then for me? I swear I'm going to constantly live in fear the rest of my life.

I. Hate. Money.

Massathuseths

I have been reckless these past few days. Quite reckless.

After I posted my last blog post, I went home and did it. I did something crazy, something so insane that it kind of freaked me out but exilarated me at the same time. I talked to my mom at 11 p.m., and she told me to go to Massachusetts (Massathuseths as Mara Jade says). I have been wanting to go there for a few months now, but I didn't think it was possible to pay for, and my brain, as mentioned before, likes to come up with a bunch of cons.

1. Is it possible to afford?
2. Would it be stupid of me to leave work for a week?
3. You are actually going to let yourself have fun? Isn't that stupid when college is coming up?
4. What about being an adult. You are 18 now, and you are just going to be reckless and spend money?
5.College is just around the corner, and who spends that much money on a plane ticket before college?
6. What will people think? They will probably think you are being stupid.
7. You are really going to spend money?
8. Really?
(These exact thoughts crossed my mind about a zillion times.)

But guess what.....my mom and I went over college expenses and what I would have saved by the end of the summer if I did go to the east coast, and we figured it out....I can afford it and still live for a year at BYU-I without needing to get a job (although I'm still going to look for work up there anyway)!

I searched ticket prices, and JetBlue airlines is the cheapest. When I say the cheapest, I mean between $100 and $300 cheaper than all those other guys. It's probably a miracle. Haha...

I told my friend Brynn. She asked her parents. They said yes to me staying there for a week. My mom bought the tickets with my money so I wouldn't have to look at the screen as my money was taken by the airline. And it's set.

July 12th-July 19th.

I'm goin' to Massachusetts.

Summer....What's That?

So...I have a problem that needs solving. The thing is, every time I come up with a solution, my brain, being the over thinker it is, shoots it down with a million cons. One pro amidst a million cons. You see my problem?
This is my last summer before college. Before adulthood. And what am I doing with it? I'm sitting at a desk for 7 hours every day, minus Saturdays and Sundays, doing pointless work that leaves me inside all day looking at the bright sunshine through a window.
A window.
Now I don't mean to complain. I love working. It gives me something to do (boring as it is), and it is giving me money at the same time. Money is good. Money is very good. You kinda need it for college these days.
The problem...while I sit here in my little office, all of my senior friends are out doing crazy fun things with their 'last summer.' One of them is going to Arizona. Another is going to New Jersey. Two of them are in Massachusetts right now. Another yet is going to Ireland. Another is going just to Bear Lake. Even Bear Lake sounds amazing right now.
By the end of the summer, I will have quite the sum of money saved for college. But will I have anything to say for these three months of my life? Three months of sitting in front of a computer...fun memories.
I am the type of person that never allows much fun into my life. I have responsibilities. I have to be responsible. I have to do my church callings. I have to go to work. I have to make money. I have to prepare for adulthood. I might as well already be an adult with all the fun I let myself have at this point.
The point of this rambling, complaining blog post is....I feel like doing something crazy...Like taking a little bit out of my saved money to do something fun, to go somewhere, anywhere even just for a few days just to have a little bit of my 'last summer,' just to be a kid for one moment more.

But my brain just loves coming up with those cons........

Sen10rs

I. Am a high school. Graduate. Whoa.

All the seniors dressed up like marshmallows and blue blobs last night (caps and gowns are lovely things), and we walked across the stage of the Bountiful Regional Center one by one as our names were called. We all moved our tassles to the left, and it was done. Claustrophobia ensued as all the graduates filled the front of the building, and all was finished.

All night Sen10r madness commenced. I have realized I am not a good person past three in the morning. I slap people. I run around like a fool. I think I fell asleep standing but I can't be sure. The only time I was really awake after three was when I won a car. Oh yeah. I won a car.

What?

Bountiful Mazda gave a used car away (a Protege) to the person who could write the best essay. I guess they liked my essay. All the sen10rs were in the auditorium, and they were like, "We have two runner ups." Maria Lee and one other girl each received a hundred dollars. By this point, I was dead in my chair until I heard, "Deborah Moody!" For some unexplained reason, I shot out of my seat and stuck my hands in the air and yelled, "YEAH!" I'm pretty embarrased. At least Iwon't have to see most of those people again...except for at reunions...dang it!

Anyway, I walked onto the stage and waved at my screaming friends and then went outside with the spokesman to look at my new car. My new car...

Weird.

Amy, Caitlin, Austin, and Jeremy ran after me and tackled me. I almost fell to the ground. It made my life. And then I got my picture taken with the car, I got to sit in my car, and I was given information on when and where to pick it up.

I won a car.

Holy jeez.

What a way to end High School, eh?

Just Don't

Last night, I was going to go running. I was all ready, dressed and everything, when my friend Natalie wanted to hang out. I had asked her before, but plans fell through. Now they were back on. So I get out of my running clothes and am about to go to her home when the plans fall through again. Natalie has to clean her home.

So I get back into my running clothing when Joel texts me asking, "Debba G - Where you at girl?" Well, I really hate that name, but I answered anyway and said I was at home. Plans were arranged yet again for me to go to Natalie's to hang out with Joel and her while she cleaned. So I get out of my running stuff yet again and make my way over there totally excited to hang out with two people I don't get to see much of anymore.

We sit around talking and having fun for about 45 minutes before Natalie has to leave. So I decide....It's only 9. I could totally still go on my run. I get all ready and I get out to my usual running spot (the graveyard where my grandpa is...creepy yes, but it's quiet and very clear of distractions), and I start running.

FINALLY! I feel the air rushing past me and it feels so flipping amazing! I can't stop! A runner's high begins until I let my mind come into play and I start thinking, "Wow, it's darker than I thought. And I'm in a graveyard. Alone." Stupid mind. Freaked out, I ran really fast for about 10 minutes before quitting out of fear (it had turned black by this point) and sprinting back to my car. I'm a scared person. It's pretty annoying. Anyway...Moral of the story: No matter how much you need to run, DON'T RUN ALONE IN A GRAVEYARD WHEN IT'S BLACK OUT!

That is all.

Books

Summer is on the front of my mind lately. The sun is shining, the grass is glowing green, children are running around laughing and screaming, birds are chirping, lawns are being mowed, people are out excercising. If I could just live outside all day everyday, my life would be complete. I have a passion for the outdoors. Summer can't come quick enough.

Books are also a passion of mine. For the past year, Victor has run circles in my mind as the man who unleashed a creature on society, the man who recked his changes for a happy life. Young Catherine has danced through the hills as the naive child who thoucht she knew everthing but wound up knowing nothing. Hamlet has grasped at my heart strings as the man who lived and breathed a torturous life but fought for justice. Janie has gained my respect as the girl who grew into a woman through trying circumstances and never gave in to the ways of society. Individualism was her plea. I have loved all of these characters and have cherished their stories, their lives. However, I am SO excited to have the opportunity to read for fun now, to read any book I want just because I want to instead of having Mrs. Riley assign me what I have to read in AP English.

I want to experience Nazi Germany, the times of World War II through the eyes of Leisel. I want to see a new world full of phaeries and haunted scare crows through the eyes of Posion. I want to live through the pains of Hunger with all those in the Faze. I want to read like I used to, breathe in the lives of so many different characters like I used to....just for fun!!

I think I may be a litte insane..........

Past = Future

There is a quote that one of my friends once gave me from something called Fruits Basket. I can't remember it word for word, but it talks about someone who once wished for the past to disappear. She wished that her past wouldn't define her, and that she could move on and just forget about it. But she came to realize that her past effected her present and her future in ways she could see and even ways she couldn't see.

I have always been taught that your past shouldn't define who your present self is. You should be who you choose to be, not who your past experiences tell you to be. However, I have come to a realization. Your past defines who you are no matter how hard you work for it not to. You work to become someone who isn't "that girl" with "that past" and with "those secrets" so you can be seen as amazing and strong, but those things, the things that got you to your present self, are you. They are the reason you are who you are at this time, and you can never get rid of them. As much as you work to forget, dream to forget, fight to forget, you will never forget, and you shouldn't try to.

My past isn't one I'm proud of. I have been all over the spectrum, from that depressed girl who sits quietly in the corner, to that loud obnoxious girl who never seems to shut up, to that reflective girl who can't exist outside of her head, to that girl who goes around dying her hair a billion different colors and chopping it off until it's almost non existent just to feel...something, to that girl who is so strong in the gospel that she thinks she will never falter, and right down to that girl who falters dangerously, even stepping over a line she once set for herself only to try her hardest to get back over to the right side.

People have abandoned me multiple times, leaving as if I never meant anything to them. People have treated me like a piece of scum multiple times until I believed their every word and even fed off of their lies. I have been that person who I never ever wanted to be, but I am not that person anymore.

I have fought with everything I have in me to redeem myself and to fix past mistakes. I have worked hard to forget those people who have wronged me, to forget about a past that I hate with every fiber of my being. But through that fight, through all that work, I have realized.....I can't forget it. To forget it would be a dishonor to myself.

Those who teach that your past doesn't define you....I now disagree. My past defines me. It makes me who I am today. Because without my past, I wouldn't be that girl who tries her hardest to be the best person she can be. I wouldn't be that person who tries to care about everyone around her and works to care about herself again.

My only problem with changing through the course of high school....Those same people who saw who I was then see who I am now. And it's hard for them to understand just how different I am. I wouldn't understand it. How could someone become someone so completely different in two years?

I can only say this....I'm working hard. I credit my time in high school for my change. It can actually be a good place!!!! Believe it!!

Sorry

Once upon a time, there was a girl who always said "I'm sorry." Whenever she did something that she felt was even remotely embarresing or stupid or uncalled for, she would apologize even if there was absolutely no need for an apology.

This girl, lets call her Frances, had reasons for apologizing. For about two years, there was a boy, let's call him Bob, who constantly told Frances that she wasn't worth anyone's time and that everything she did was rather dumb. So she got into the habit of apologizing to dumb Bob. Even though Frances didn't talk to Bob anymore, the habit stuck and the thoughts he put into her head stuck.

Well, one day Frances realized that it was a stupid habit that she needed to stop, because she really didn't need to waste all her energy thinking other people were annoyed with her and needed her apologies. So, Frances promised herself that she would only apologize to people if it was absolutely called for.

The. End.

Slow Down.....

So I'm looking at the calendar and it suddenly hits me. It's May 3rd. May. 3rd. The third day in the month of May. Of 2010. I have 19 days left of school and then three days of finals week (Half days), and then one yearbook day, and then comes graduation at 7 p.m. on June 4th and then I'm done with high school. Forever. And ever. Just done. Just like that. A walk across a stage, reaching out to grab a piece of paper that proves I went through thirteen years of heck, and then I'm done forever.

Wait....really??

I never thought it would happen, but I'm pleading with whatever force can stop time to do it. Slow it down. Stop it altogether. Do it now before I freak out. I want college more than anything on this planet right now. I want it so badly that it's driving me insane. But am I really done with high school, with everything I have known for my whole life, in 19 school days and 3 finals days? Am I really going to just....be finished with all I have worked on since I was five? Is a piece of paper with the letters D.I.P.L.O.M.A. stamped on top really going to be handed to me, and is it really going to signify how hard I have worked? A piece of paper?

I'm scared.

My Brain is Gone

I hate mother nature. It is may, and warm weather is nowhere in sight. It is depressing me. I have decided that when I grow up and get married, I will convince my husband to move somewhere where it is sunny most of the time. Rain would be nice once a week or so; hot rain, not that cold stuff that makes you miserable. And then I could live my life happy and free.

Do you ever feel as if your mind is somewhere completely different from your body? I feel like that a lot lately. My friend Brynn came here to Utah from Massachusetts a few weeks ago, and it seems like when she left, my mind went with her. I am stuck here in Utah, but my mind is elsewhere. It's a weird feeling. I am trying really hard to get my mind back, but it's not working very well.

I feel like one of the reasons I'm 'gone' is because once Brynn left, it seems lots of people left with her. Not literally, but figuratively. It's kind of a depressing feeling. I tried to force myself back yesterday though. I went to the Ogden Institute at Weber State with some of my friends for a senior night. We ate dinner and got to listen to John Bytheway, and then we had a dance. It was pretty fun. It was raining really hard after, and so Natalie and I danced in it (we're just your regular ol' ballerinas), and Joel kidnapped Alicia (literally picked her up and carried her away) so that he could 'propose' to her in the rain. And then we had an adventurous ride home in the pouring rain, even going so far as to turn onto a one way street. I'm surprised we survived!

I can't wait for college. I want to go and be free to study exactly the things I want to study and to be able to make lots of friends and be free to make choices. I feel like I am more prepared than I should be because of all life has put me through, and so I'm ready to get going.

This has been a very random blog post. I apologize. Haha, wait....no I don't..... ;)

Bipolar Days

So pretty much this post is going to be a lot of complaining. Don't read it if you don't want to. I really just need to get it out.

I hate making new friends. I love new friends. I love talking to someone who actually has interest in me for a few weeks and actually wants to be my friend. But I hate making new friends, because making new friends entails an incredible fear inside of me. My life is not simple by any means. Anyone who becomes my friend is going to find out eventually all of my secrets, all of the things that make me act the way I do on a daily basis. They are going to find out that I am a worried person constantly and that I am always going to apologize for being even slightly weird and that I fear abandonment more than anything in this world which is odd considering I have been abandoned by many. I hate that once they find out everything about me, especially that I have no dad, immediately I am either pitied or abandoned or just treated differently. I hate that I fear talking about who I am because I'm scared to death what each person's reaction will be. I hate feeling this way.

Really, that's all I have to say. My new friend, you will probably read this. And you will probably ask me what is going on. Go ahead and ask. I want you to. But please, new people in my life now and new people who will come in my life later, please don't leave me for things I never had any control over.

The end.

Growing Up

Growing up is hard to do. You turn 18, you finish out high school, and then you are booted out into the real world. Everyone around you expects amazing things and great successes, but really, you just want to figure out how you are going to get the basics: food, water, and shelter....you know, the basic necessities of life.
In just four short months, I will be taking that great anticipated walk across the stage designated for graduation with countless people watching. That walk has been in my mind for some time now. I'll probably trip. It IS me after all. I'll fall flat on my face, stand up embarresed to tears, my face will turn into a tomato I'm sure, and I'll be sent on my way into the "real world" with a great, fantastic start.
Or I could walk across the stage without so much as a stumble, grab my diploma, and walk off. That would be anticlimactic, would it not? 13 years of torture just to grab a piece of paper? I can't figure out which one I want more. The tripping, or the casual, normal walk across. Which would be more memorable.......ha.
And then I will be sent on my way to BYU-I in Idaho, three hours away from my home, and I will be alone. There will be no familiar faces, no one to really lean on. That's a scary thought.....Exciting.
I could reinvent myself, become the person I've always wanted to be but am too scared to be, the person I really am but am too scared to let past my wall for others to see for fear of judgment. No one in Idaho will know me. There will be no expectations. I could be anyone I want to be.
I could be that weird girl who talks to everyone, even the ones she doesn't know, because she's just so bubbly and loveable and everyone wants to be around her. (A.K.A - Natalie Beynon. :) ) Or I could continue to be the shy, quiet girl who sits there only talking to those she is extremely comfortable around, and even then keeping her secrets because, after all, who wants to hear the thoughts of an 18 year old girl who refuses to do anything she wants for fear of failure?
I could be the one who pulls everyone along and comes up with awesome ideas of things to do on a cold (Because it will be COLD) day, the person who will grab her roommates by the arm and drag them out to experience all of the socail experiences that still need to be experienced....Or I could be the one who has to be dragged, probably by the hair, to do anything new because she's just too dang scared to meet new people and be anywhere but safe at home in her comfortable bed.
Can I opt out of college? No? Hm.....
It's a terrifying thought to know that in just 6 or 7 short months, I will be in the scary state of Idaho at the scary college of BYU with scary people I have never set eyes on before and scary choices that must be made for every day survival. Scary.....
But remember, I can be anyone I want to be. I can be awesome, or I can be that girl who sits in solitude all day everyday.
I choose awesome.
Now to just break down this wall..............